The title of this piece brings to mind virtues that are often hard to adhere to; namely, compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness. Having compassion for those with whom we disagree can bring a certain inner peace; it allows us let go of the idea that others will see things as we do. Focusing on gratitude for what we have means letting go of expectations of perfection. Yes, we all have visions of sugarplums in our heads; we want peaceful families, friends who call us just to say hello, and we want to be able to forgive or be forgiven when the mess-ups happen. And they absolutely happen.

When we are in the company of our better selves, we try, we strive, we search for a pathway to forgiveness. This doesn’t mean we tolerate our abusers. It means that we strive for some form of peace when that person pops into our head. It’s next to impossible to live in a world full of human beings without being on the receiving end of words intended to harm, a clenched fist (even if it didn’t make contact), or a voiced threat that strikes fear in our hearts. And so, no matter who you are, you will likely agree that forgiveness is an intentional activity that requires work, and perhaps…years.

If we break down the idea of “our better selves,” we see that we are, in a way, someone different depending upon who we’re talking to. To my husband, I am a wife. To my mother (RIP 4/2020), I was a daughter. To my children, I’m a mother – although now that they’re grown, the idea of “mothering” is completely different. To my siblings, I’m a sister. To my nieces/nephews, I’m an aunt. To my boss, I’m an employee. And to my friends, I’m a… (pause). What am I? Do you feel that internal pause, depending upon which friend pops into your head?

For a friend going through a difficult time, you’re a shoulder to lean on, or perhaps a sounding board. For a friend with a committed S.O. (significant other), you may be someone they call for a double-date. Or perhaps you find that you’re good travel partners.

There are times, however, when it feels like there’s no one there to listen when we need them. When this happens, repeatedly, we might think, “They don’t really care about me.” When in reality, that may not be the case.

Sometimes, people we care about experience a serious time crunch – one dictated by sources beyond their control. Perhaps they have a sick parent. Or perhaps they’re in the throes of parenting. Or perhaps their jobs drain the energy from them. In some cases, there are issues with mental health. There are many reasons, these are just a few. It’s important to have compassion for what our loved ones may be going through, unbeknownst to us.

Employing “benefit of the doubt” thinking means trying to assume the best about those we care about. It’s what we hope they do when they think of us.

Anger and holding grudges takes a lot of energy. As does forgiveness. Sometimes, to find the pathway to forgiveness, we must grope around in the dark - as though standing in a forest on a moonless night - and search until we find the way.

And so, for today, let’s pause and dwell with our better selves. For me, I feel grateful that I have family who express love, and friends who text with a happy face or heart emoji now and then. I’m grateful for health, and a loving S.O., and a roof over our heads, and I’m grateful for the love that my mother instilled in me long ago. The list goes on…grateful for flowers and chocolate and even my smart phone that often makes me feel dumb. (smile)

We are called upon to cultivate compassion for so many people in this world. For those who trample on our feelings, and even for whacky drivers! Also, for those we text who don’t “show up” by answering. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

As for forgiveness, we can try to cleanse our spirit of any negativity that sparks when we think of certain people - or groups of folks, such as those who foster or promote lies about Sandy Hook or the holocaust or the Jan. 6 attack on the capitol.

There’s a saying in psychology: “We cannot control others, we can only control our own reactions.” And that’s where we circle back to the title of this blog post. When we are in the company of our better selves, we strive for compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness.

Peace for today and every day.

Melanie Holmes